My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person -- so I can get a better girlfriend.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

I don't care about the museum, I only care that people think I'm the kind of guy who goes to museums.

I used to live with five straight guys and -- ew, the cleaning schedule was 'nope.'

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

I did a club one night -- the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.

I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles -- they don't have one that says 'oops.'

Wouldn't it be great if our bodies were designed so that instead of bad things, good things could be transmitted through sex? Like skills. 'Oh baby, I'm gonna do you 'til you can juggle.' 'Oh my God, don't stop 'til I'm a carpenter, computer programming, air conditioner refrigeration, auto mechanic -- whatever the hell Sally Struthers says in that commercial.' 'How was your date last night? You get lucky?' 'I think my resume speaks for itself.'

You ever look for the remote control, you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, it looks like I'm not watching TV.'

I joined a white church because white people get out on time.

I've got a three-year-old son. It's like living with a crazy midget.

I guarantee, you're gonna have to get out of your house. I know it's your house and you bought it, but what you don't realize is that's her house, and she's basically letting you live there while things are going OK.

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics -- I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. That's how you know it didn't go as you planned.

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.