She actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes. What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? That's the weirdest thing. I was like, 'Four grapes...' To me grapes aren't even a food. They're like a palate cleanser. That's what I eat to get the Big Mac taste out of my mouth.

Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. 'I don't understand, who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.

The guy came up to me, my manager, the first day and said, 'I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife.' And I was thinking, 'I'm not doing that. I'm definitely not doing it.' But I thought, why just say, 'No! The hell with you!' and get fired? That's boring. Instead I said to him, 'Yeah, OK. I'll do it.' Then, I didn't do it, and he came up to me later: 'Did you scrape the gum off the tables?' I was like, 'Oh, yeah, of course I did, sure.' And later, he comes up, he goes, 'You didn't scrape the gum off the tables?' I'm like, 'Ah! No. Damn.' 'Are you gonna do it?' 'Yeah, of course I'm gonna do it.' Three days later, I got fired. I got paid for three days.

I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and he's hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, 'If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?' And I was like, 'Anywhere?' He was like, 'Anywhere.' I was like, 'Uh -- to the other side of the room. Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.'

We're in the vegetarian restaurant, which is fine, except for the whole time, I had to look over my friend's shoulder at this sign they had put up on the wall, and they framed the sign -- I think that's what really bugged me -- and the sign said, 'If animals could talk, we probably wouldn't eat them.' Come on, we're already in the vegetarian restaurant! It made me want to make my own sign and hang it up right next to it with a frame that said, 'If vegetables could talk, we'd freak the f**k out.'

There are so many types of shoes. There's so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there -- I find it a little bit overwhelming. 'Welcome to the shoe store! What are you looking for? Are you looking for walking shoes?' Well, uh, I'd like to have that option. Hopefully, they're adjustable. I mean, I'd like to be able to turn them up to other settings, as well.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: Lisa did an offensive joke earlier about Roger Ebert. His face is like that because he has jaw cancer. What's your excuse?

From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: They say women's bodies are like a wonderland -- yours is more like a football field because it's 100 yards and a lot of black dudes have sprained their ankle on it.

If you can take care of yourself and make it to 90, starting at age 90, every year, one law no longer applies to you. Now it starts off small: when you turn 90, you can legally litter. You can litter whenever you want to. You just walk up to a cop on your 90th birthday and drop a cheeseburger wrapper: 'Hey guess what today is? Give me a kiss.'

Stand-up is a lot like sex. There's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.

When he was coming up, people were like, 'We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate.' And then when he won, they were like, 'Our first multi-racial president.' And I was like, 'That's not fair.' I mean, let's set the record straight. If you went outside tonight after this show and Barack Obama was stealing your car, you wouldn't yell, 'Hey, someone stop that mixed guy!'

I don't like cell phones. I'm never sending another text message as long as I live because I don't like a phone that tries to predict the words I'm trying to send to people. 'Cause I move quickly. Last week I ended up sending a text that read, 'Hey baby, I had a great night. I hope you have a home day.' But I meant to text, 'You should get tested.'

Did you know that if you go to bed wasted, your brain can't dream? It's like a medical thing. I have my own theory and that's that your brain is like, 'Dude, I'm not going to entertain you after what you just did to me for the last six hours. Oh, you want feel what it's like to fly? Go f**k yourself. I'll be up all night with your liver, figuring out how we're going to make it to 50.'

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels -- it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.